First glimpse of Tuesday morning's sun. (Halfway through hike.)
March 17th, 2021 (from email)
I struggled to write this email. It was the only thing on my “ToDo” list for Monday and it didn’t happen. (It’s late Tuesday afternoon as I sit down to start it now.)
To be honest, everything requiring thought the past couple of days has been a struggle. I’ve been more zombie than not this week.
The time change, no doubt, played a part.
My routine is the same; the alarm clock goes off a little after 6 and I think of a million justifications for staying in bed, but get out anyway. (We should really give ourselves more credit than we do for actually getting out of bed. And for putting on pants, but I digress.)
I stumble into the closet to don my hiking clothes then make my way down the stairs to let the dog out and grab a nut-bar and a glass of water before putting on my shoes to drive to my local regional park.
Unlike last week, the sun is not up yet, and my body knows the difference. There’s a sense that I’ve gotten up earlier than usual and am getting an extra head start on the day. (Although I despise getting out of bed, I do LOVE the productivity of an early morning start.)
Home from the hike, I do a few things around the kitchen and I catch the time and I’m like: Whaaaat? How is it 9 am already?? And boom. I feel disappointed; like I’ve somehow squandered the morning; that my sacrifice of getting up early was all for naught.
That quick flash of disappointment in myself (although subtle and unreasonable) plus being damn tired made for an entirely unproductive Monday. (Yes, there’s a lot of judgement in that sentence. And a swear word. And more judgement?)
I started yoga, got two (painfully slow) minutes in and paused it to take a 20 minute nap. Then I fed the dog and had coffee. (I usually have coffee after yoga as a reward, but I needed to switch things up because this whole ‘Monday morning thing’ was hard. Plus- turns out coffee has caffeine (😜) and that gave me enough oomph to enjoy yoga the second time around.)
Next up: meditating. I got about two breaths in and got really sleepy. (Nap #2). So then I tried journaling (what should my email be about this week?), got about two words in and looked something up on my phone; and then ended up playing ‘Blockdoku’ on it for the next few hours.
And such was my Monday. I was tired. I was ‘unproductive.’ I couldn’t think. My brain was in a fog. I’d try to decide on a topic to write about for this email and end up playing Blockdoku. I’d judge myself. I’d play ‘just one more game.’ Around and around and around for hours and hours.
And finally, the sun came out. Both literally and figuratively. Literally, I was in bed working on my email playing Blockdoku and the sun peeked out from behind a cloud, poured through my window, and spilled onto my bed. Figuratively, I found grace for myself. I accepted that my email wasn’t going to get written that day. I stopped pressuring myself to do more than my body & mind were up for and gave myself permission to do as I pleased. With that simple act of kindness toward myself, I was able to get out of the loop, put down my phone, pick up the leash, and head out for a little stroll around the block with the dog.
How about you? Has a change thrown you for a loop and you’re judging yourself for the way you’re responding to it? If so, and I speak from very recent experience (😉), I invite you to find grace for yourself. Extend to yourself the understanding, compassion, forgiveness, and kindness that you would to a dear friend. Because, friend, you are dear and you are worth it.